It's just a mood (disorder)

The therapist has convinced me I have a mood disorder. It's slight, the therapist says, but it's real. What's mood disorder? It is something that falls between BiPolar II (less manic than Bipolar I, but with the cycling between moods), and more serious than occasional depression. Mind you I first heard about this one week ago and went loony at the thought. What began as ADD is now a diagnosis for a mood disorder. It makes sense. My whole life I have suspected that I had some kind of chemical imbalance. It just seemed odd that I could be in a room of people I liked and who were having fun, and just feel this dead, lifeless, boring, non-stimulated feeling. I felt it at weddings, on simchas torah, and at times when everything was just super. I'm not sure if it's related but I could cry after seeing a touching McDonald's commercial of the cheesy end to a feel good movie that went straight to video, but cannot cry on hearing of terrible tragedies or sad events. I did cry when my grandparents died so I know I'm capable of the emotion. But I digress. Wherever I have gone my entire life, I have experienced this disconnect to the current mood. I have a hard time feeling happy, though I have felt many, many moments of extreme happiness, joy, optimism, and confidence. Yet, these are always counterbalanced with moments when none of those feelings apply. So it's a mood disorder, aggravated by ADD, and exacerbated by what the therapist says are genuine areas of genius. I never heard that one before, but I've shown the therapist some of my writing and the therapist feels the genius is definitely there. Not that you can tell, by the way, from this meandering drivel. What's the answer? The therapist and my psychiatrist have a conversation and they decide a mood stabilizer is the answer. I'm already taking Welbutrin, an anti-depressant, but the consensus is, it isn't working. Mood stabilizers come in all types and flavors. The point is to allow ME to control my moods and emotions, not the arbitrary levels of brain chemistry at any given time. With the mood stabilizer in my system, I don't have to worry that my response will be to a particular event or situation. Although I didn’t have the vocabulary or insight at the time to understand, I was worried on the way to my wedding that I wouldn't smile enough or feel happy. Fortunately, everything was fine, which put my marriage off to a happy and thankfully continuing start. so the answer is a mood stabilizer. The drug of choice is Lamictal. Supposedly this is a wonder drug. Reading some of the online commentary supports this claim. Benign and effective, Lamictal is usually used for people with seizure disorders. It's also one powerful mother f-er drug. Supposedly, if I am to be staying in this drug for a prolonged period of time, I would need to carry some type of ID letting medical personnel that I am taking Lamictal in the event that something happens to me and renders me unconscious. Pretty scary. Also, a very serious side-effect is a type of rash that can be life-threatening and cause physical debilitation if left untreated. Fortunately, I've been on the drug a few days, and although I feel nothing yet, it hasn't given me the feared rash. I'm still taking the Wellbutrin, though I'm being eased off of it. The Lamictal is supposed to cause nasal congestion, which i have, nausea, blurred vision and motor coordination problems , which I do not have. On the message board, a few people mentioned that it could impede verbal acuity and articulation, two side effects that to me would be completely devastating. The dr. told me he/she has heard no such thing. Relived at hearing that, I've been taking it the past few days. It's too early to know what if any effect there will be. Another side effect I heard about is vivid dreams. This is a typical side effect of SSRIs, and evidently is common with Lamictal. I have been having weird dreams the past few days, though I'm hesitant at this time to blame it on the drugs. I frequently have weird dreams. I hope this is all going somewhere constructive.